Spoof: Study proves social media is linked to causing cancer


Natalie Barletta – Special to the Southern News

Before you update your status and check your newsfeed, you might want to read this first. According to brand new  research done straight out of Yale, using social networking sites, such as Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, has in fact been linked to cancer.

    “According to my recent studies in my super fancy lab at Yale, I’ve discovered that excessive usage of social media websites such as Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter, can lead to a rare cancer in the elbow,” says Dr. Nick Schmidt, head of research down at Yale Medical School, who last week broke the news about this latest update. “Teenagers and people in their twenties are on these things constantly, which leaves the elbow in the same position. Thus, this cramps the elbow, which done in large amounts can cause cancer. Which is very deadly.”

    In an average day we are on our social networking sites for about an hour each day. If you have an iPhone or other smartphone device, the time spent on these sites be increased significantly. Why? Because with all of these social networking sites available to us at our fingertips, we can check it pretty much whenever we want.

“I blame the iPhone for this”, says Dr. Schmidt. “I am currently checking my email as I am being interviewed. Apple is making everything way too easy for us humans and thus, it’s effecting our way of life in a negative fashion. These smartphones are taking over the entire world”.

How many times a day do you check your Twitter feed? Or how many photos do you post on Instagram on a daily basis? How many times do you go on Facebook, if you still use it, on a daily basis? If you can’t think about how many you do, then it’s too much. “These social websites are like cigarettes. First, they are cool. Now, as research proves it leads to cancer. And that’s bad.”

What does Doctor Schmidt recommend for those who think that they are at risk? “First, I would talk to your personal doctor about this. They’ll be able to determine whether or not you should look into further testing, which includes an X-Ray, or an ultrasound. I guess you should probably also look into health insurance if you don’t have any. That’s always important even if you don’t have cancer.”

However, if you don’t think that you’re at risk, don’t press delete on your social networking profile just yet. Doctor Schmidt recommends that some social networking can be okay. “I think we need to do some social networking from time to time. Like when you get a new car, show it off on the Instagram. Or when you’re extremely happy about your new relationship, go ahead and tweet about that stuff, like every second of every day.  But, don’t go on it every second of your life. If you find that you do, then maybe you should get a cat or something. Cats are great and harmless housepets, and they come in lots of amazing colors. Or go to the gym, because exercise is always good for you. Especially after that third doughnut, which we all know that you had.”

And for those of you who fear the risk, or even have been diagnosed with this upsetting disorder, have no fear. Doctor Schmidt is fastly crafting his cure to this awful disease. “I have been away in my lab almost 24/7, trying to get a cure. I can assure that by next spring, I will have reached new developments!” he says excitedly, scratching his mustache. “However, in the meantime-get off Twitter.”

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