SPOOF: Fitch Street Garage to be imploded for new medical clinic

Dylan HavilandGeneral Assignment Reporter 

The Fitch Street garage has served as a convenient parking arrangement for campus commuters.  Nestled near Davis Hall, the garage while often crowded is the closest parking space to several halls, saving students time and energy.

In a new agreement with the nursing department, President Mary A. Papazian has made plans to permanently alter the popular student-parking garage.  At the end of the spring semester, the Fitch Street garage will be demolished.

Taking the garages place is a new medical clinic, which will be student operated and run.

“Arrangements for the demolition will be implemented very soon,” said Papazian.  “The university plans on closing down the garage by the end of April, we are encouraging students to cease parking completely on Fitch Street.  Mainly so they can become accustomed to the extra walking, regardless I think most students will be ecstatic.”

The actual demolition will involve several tons of explosives and the extensive hiring of contractors to assure the complete destruction of the Fitch Street garage.

“Quite literally and figuratively the Fitch Street garage will be removed from the map,” said student life director Denise Bentley-Drobish.  “I have heard of campus police monitoring the scene of the demolition to keep students away, but to be honest the actual explosion won’t be scheduled until most students are in their clubs and activities at 1 p.m.”

Bentley-Drobish was confident in mentioning that most students will be inside of the Adanti Student Center at this time period.  Placing a majority of the campus population in safe radius from the explosion.

 “Of course nursing students will be required to be on sight for the demolition,” said nursing department chairperson, Professor Lisa Rebeschi. “I believe they should be present and grateful for this excellent opportunity presented to them, it will be an excellent chance for them to hone their skills as nurses in a real medical environment.”

Safety issues have been brought up concerning the amount of nursing students that will be present on the actual sight of the demolition and explosion.

“It’s not so much the fact that we now have to spend an extra 30 minutes looking for parking now or having to walk all this extra distance, but maybe it’s us being at the explosion that’s making me a little uneasy,” said a nursing student. “Spending two semesters in the nursing program has already taught me that being near explosions is not good for your health, or having a lack of hard hats.”

Critics have praised in multiple press releases the campuses’ decision to demolish the garage.  State of the art medical equipment is expected to be shipped to the university in order to accommodate the new building.

Nursing students are expected to make time in their schedule to work at the clinic.  The time spent in the medical center will count as neither credits nor internship time for the students, but as an invaluable learning experience.

“I guess it will be interesting to work in a new facility, but it sure doesn’t seem right that I am not being given the proper credit,” said another nursing student.  “I’m most likely going to end up seeing a lot more of my classmates than I will like to, and without the credits to make it at least a little more enjoyable.”

The nursing department expresses their full support for the operation.

Campus police and security assure that the safety concerns over the explosion are just the students being over reactive and using too much social media.

This article was written for the April Fool’s Day issue. All information and sources are fictional. 

Photo Credit: Derek Torrellas


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