Carissa Duhamel – Copy Editor
While we plug along through the final few days of a far too swiftly passing semester, members of the Hollywood elite busy themselves with the usual hodgepodge of socialite feuds, rehab stints, and petty Internet dramatics. Last week was no different, and while we at Southern are likely lost in some sort of sleep deprived state of dementia caused by a combination of manic anxiety and Netflix-fueled procrastination, we can at least free ourselves from the insanity that is finals week for a brief moment by redirecting our attention to people who dwell in a sphere of shameless superficiality. So if you’re looking for a distraction from the impending doom your statistics exam is going to have on your GPA, reward yourself with five minutes of thoroughly self-indulgent escapism.
Last week celebutantes from the ancient past (I’m talking pre-high school, before you even had your braces taken off) cried out from their nearly-closed caskets for a fraction of the attention they basked in during their glory years, and somehow their half-zombified voices managed to reach the ever listening ears of TMZ. Barron Hilton, 24-year-old brother of half-wit hotel heiress Paris Hilton, 32, adamantly accused Lindsay Lohan, 27, of arranging a vicious attack on him in Miami last Friday. Allegedly, Barron incited animosity between himself and the “Mean Girls” dwindling star by making derogatory comments about her to her rumored boy toy 18-year-old model Morgan O’Connor at a party the two attended, supposedly inspiring her to send a male associate to beat the Hilton brother’s face in. Barron claims LiLo stood by the side of one of her thugs during the attack, and screamed, “You talk sh*t about me to my boyfriend! This is what you’ll get!”
Lohan denies having any connection to Hilton’s physical assault, but was recorded on video responding to a confrontation by Barron moments after the fight.
“I saw nothing,” she said in the video from the passenger seat of a black SUV before going on to mock the hotel heir with classy profane punctuation, “I’m harassing you, oh, poor you. Look at him! F*ck you, c*nt.”
Whether or not these allegations are true has yet to be determined, but the child star gone wrong has deep roots of bad blood between herself and the Hilton family. Though once photographed partying as friends, Lohan and Paris’ friendship ended in 2006 when Hilton’s then boyfriend Brandon Davis, now 34, was videotaped ranting about Lohan’s unappealing “firecrotch” – with the “One Night in Paris” sex queen laughing approvingly by his side. Seven years later, the feud is seemingly as fresh as ever.
LiLo’s case is not made better by the fact that she was only recently released from yet another rehab stint for substance abuse a few weeks ago but was seen downing drinks of what appeared to be alcohol the night before the attack during her stay in Miami. These speculations don’t condemn her, but they certainly don’t make her look any more innocent. As of now, the evidence provided is inconclusive but a guilty verdict would be less than shocking.
In related, but more optimistic rehabilitation news, Amanda Bynes, 27, returned home to her parent’s house for the holidays last week and made her first appearance in the outside world since spending nearly six months at an inpatient psychiatric facility. The “Amanda Show” star was seen walking her dogs with both parents outside their California home and appeared healthy, with no blue wigs in sight. Bynes’ attorney, Tamar Arminak told US Weekly the actress was doing well and planned to enroll in school for fashion design in the near future.
“She’s now looking at various colleges with the intention of majoring in fashion design. She’s mentioned before she’s interested in creating a clothing line,” he said.
Hopefully her passions will remain directed towards creative endeavors in clothing, and not schizophrenic fantasies broadcasted across Twitter. But if the latter occurs, take comfort in knowing no matter how awful your finals go at least you haven’t publicly asked Drake to murder your unmentionables!
