Ali Fernand – Features Editor
Until recently, I have felt the most motivated I have ever felt in my life. I love my studies and learning. In my free time I take on projects and research things I am passionate about. I love learning and I have often found myself liking school despite some of the reasons that it can be difficult.
Lately that spirit has been crushed for multiple reasons. However, the thing that has set me over the edge is the endless nit picking I am subjected to in every area of my life. I consider myself a person with particularly thick skin and I know that I will never be free from criticism. Working through this is important. Navigating criticism without taking a blow to the ego is an important life skill. The way I have been doing that is by learning what to do right.
Now, I have no idea what to do right. It seems that no matter what I do, how much work, time, or effort I put into something, it means nothing. I made something I am proud of. Yet the only thing I hear is what is wrong with it. I have no idea what I did right. How am I supposed to continue doing those things? It is not healthy to go into my assignments aware that it is going to be ripped to shreds as soon as I hit submit.
This has caused me to lose all motivation for assignments. It is not even out of laziness. It is purely out of defeat. I feel completely burnt out. The quality of my work has tanked because I feel that nothing I ever do will be good enough. So, I gave up trying. I have become a worse student just because I have nothing left to give.
I already have been struggling with mental health. The worst of all of them being anxiety, which has gotten to the point where it has inhibited my ability to function. This is mostly in the social aspect of my life where I feel uncomfortable interacting with people in general. I have become even more uncomfortable because now my anxieties are being validated. My fear that everyone is judging me has become true in my eyes.
Misogyny is also an aspect that I feel has been weighing on me. I feel that everything I do is put under question. My intelligence is constantly put to the test. I spend so much time trying to prove I am worthy of respect just to not receive it. Now my intention is not to call everyone who has ever criticized me a raging misogynist. I do not believe that. I just ask that people be aware that being questioned and doubted is already a daily part of my life.
Knowing that just months ago I was balancing many things with happiness hurts me. Why is everything so different now? All of this is just because I do not feel validated. I am often told to find fulfillment within myself. I have done that. I work incredibly hard and have done a lot of work to solidify who I want to be. Now that I have gotten to that point, there is a new question in my mind. I am doing all this work, but for what? At least the stress I felt before felt like it was going to somewhere bigger. But now I just do not know what all of this is worth.
