Today: Mar 01, 2024

Spoof: Intramural athlete signed to professional team

Photo Illustration | Pete Paguaga and Jeff Nowak
Spencer (center) signed his contract at the Moore Field House. He was surrounded by Assistant Director of Student Life (left)
Eric LaCharity and Islanders General Manager (right) Garth Snow.

 @Pete_Paguaga Sports Junkie

This month the New York Islanders were mathematically eliminated from the playoffs for the fifth straight season. Because of this, the Islanders have decided to do something drastic to help shake up the organization.

Garth Snow, general manager of the Islanders, announced that the team has signed Southern Connecticut floor hockey forward Zack Spencer to an entry-level contract. The signing took place at the Moore Field House, where the intramural floor hockey league played this semester.

Spencer, who led the team “Quickie in the Staal” to an intramural championship this season had great offensive numbers. He led the league of four teams in goals, assists, points; he even scored the game-winning goal in the shootout to win the championship.

“We had a great season,” said Spencer, “but I know my skill level. I mean come on, I was the MVP of intramural floor hockey; the NHL should be a piece of cake.”

“He is going to bring a great deal of skill to the organization,” said Snow. “Hopefully he knows that we use a puck and I really hope he can ice skate.”

The reaction around the league has been mixed.

“I think I saw a movie about something like this once,” said Peter Chiarelli, General Manager of the Boston Bruins. “That’s right, it was ‘The Waterboy.’”

“Hahahahahahahahaha,” said Brian Burke, General Manager of the Toronto Maple Leafs.

“This guy is going to be a game-changer for the Islanders,” said rival General Manager, Glen Sather. “I wish I could have scooped him up.”

Islanders teammates also have mixed feelings about Spencer, but are willing to judge him when he gets onto the ice.

“I am looking forward to him playing on my wing,” said Islanders superstar John Tavares. “I also heard he makes a pretty sweet pizza.”

“I really don’t know what to expect,” said Islanders forward Michael Grabner. “I mean the pizza in New York is really good, but they said he can spin a good pizza. Wait, as a hockey player, I have seen some tape; he looks impressive.”

Snow said Spencer would begin with the Bridgeport Sound Tigers next season.

“Like I said before, I am not 100 percent sure he knows how to skate. That’s our No. 1 concern right now,” said Snow. “But we do expect him learn rather quickly, at least I hope so.”

The news of this signing has sent ripples throughout campus. The bookstore has begun to sell Spencer jerseys.

The campus is now suffering from what people are calling Spencanity.

“This has been complete Spencanity, Spencnomanal, anything word that you could add to Spencer,” said Assistant Director of Student Life, Eric LaCharity. “Finally the intramurals are getting some press, maybe we will be able to get better equipment?”

There is even talk going on about naming the new business building after Spencer and putting a statue of him in front of said building.

“That would be cool, I guess,” said Spencer.“The Islanders organization is looking forward to having Zack Spencer become part of our family,” said Snow.

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