Today: Apr 21, 2024

Spoof: Goodbye Skippy, it’s been fun

 SIMONE VIRZIRecovering Addict

I’m addicted to peanut butter: there, I said it. Ask anyone who knows me and they’ll confirm it as well. I enjoy peanut butter with sliced apples, celery, Nutella, or just on its own. Yes, I’ll eat it out of the container with a spoon, and I am not ashamed to admit it. So my heart was broken after learning peanut butter (and peanuts) are getting banned from the country.

The last I checked, President Barak Obama’s campaign platform in 2008 included bringing home our troops, not banning food. I find it mindboggling that boys I grew up with, who are now men, are fighting overseas for the country, risking their lives every single day for America. And yet Obama’s biggest concern is peanut butter?

I have been telling my mom since I was in high school I am going to move to Canada –eh– and that’s becoming increasingly likely after I graduate in less than two months.

Michelle Obama’s role as the first lady over the last four long years has included preventing obesity in America’s youth because kids are too busy munching on McDonald’s greasy fries and playing video games than picking up a basketball and playing outside. (I’m just being honest). I think her mission to make children healthier is great and absolutely necessary. However, she did not have to convince her hubby to ban peanuts, so I’m less-than-thrilled with her.

If she wanted to solely ban chunky peanut butter, however, I would not be writing this column because I’m more of a creamy girl myself.

Last week in a televised press conference, the Obamas (the equivalent of Bonnie and Clyde in my eyes, since this duo is causing total chaos) announced to the world that peanuts will be prohibited from America starting May 1. If someone is flying to America after this date, their bags will be checked for the soon-to-be-illegal food. If this isn’t ridiculous, I don’t know what is.

At the press conference, the Obamas (mostly Barack) babbled on about how many Americans have peanut allergies, and that number supposedly continues to increase every year, particularly amongst young children. He also claimed peanuts have been an issue in schools throughout the country, especially if loving and thoughtful moms make homemade baked goods and send them in with their kids to school. Of course, the moms think they are making a kind gesture, until someone has an allergic reaction.

In order to omit the problem all together, peanuts (and my beloved peanut butter) will be no more.

Schools could have put a ban on peanuts, or required parents to label a batch of baked goods that include the nuts, but that would just make too much sense. Instead, people like myself are forced to suffer the brutal and completely unnecessary consequences.

One of the more ironic aspects about this story is that the country is already in a recession; won’t more Americans lose their jobs once peanuts are banned? How is the country supposed to recover from this economy if more people are just going to get laid off ? Of course, Obama did not mention this at the press conference.

Even more importantly, how am I supposed to get my peanut butter fix if it’s banned? I am becoming increasingly convinced I’ll be wandering dark and sketchy streets in the middle of the night like a junkie looking for a drug dealer– except in my case, someone with creamy peanut butter.

This whole scenario reminds me of the prohibition in this country in the 1920s, when alcohol was banned. People were outraged, and they made booze sneakily in their houses instead. The law obviously did not last– just look at how many restaurants, bars and clubs sell alcohol today just in New Haven. But during this dark age, there were no package stores. What would the country be like today if there wasn’t alcohol? A sad, lonely place with lost souls looking for direction.

I will feel the same way come May 1; I may be so upset, I may not even celebrate Cinco de Mayo this year.

Some may argue I should just get over it and move on. Tom Petty’s song “You Don’t Know How it Feels” comes to mind. His lyrics include “You don’t know how it feels / You don’t know how it feels / To be me,” which can be applied to anti-peanut butter lovers.

I’m sure these people haven’t tried eating a fresh apple on its own; it needs that extra something. I’m also guessing they have not experienced the pleasure of lounging on a couch after a long day and enjoying a spoonful of peanut butter, or peanut butter with just a touch of Nutella.

Call me an addict, I’m OK with that. But if this is Obama’s big decision, I will have to respect it, as I start Googling to find potential places I can live in Canada. Eh.

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