Today: Feb 26, 2024

Spoof: Construction of parking garage halts as town builds new cemetery

Sean Meenaghan | Photo illustration
SCSU President Mary Papazian giving a student a ride to class on campus.

@JeffNowakTwitter Extraordinaire

Overcrowded parking was the impetus behind closing Lot 7 last semester to build a third on-campus parking garage, but now the school may never get any of those spots back.

Due to a budgeting issue, construction of the new garage is to halt immediately, as the funds allocated for the completion of the project were inexplicably spent on Segways for the Board of Trustees.

“The mistake was a regrettable one,” SCSU President Mary Papazian said, unhooking her helmet strap and stepping off her black and chrome two-wheeler. “These items had a 21-day return policy. Unfortunately, the budgeting mistake was noticed too late.”

In order to recoup the funds already spent on the partial construction of the garage, the Board of Trustees has made the decision to sell the land to the town of Hamden. The Hamden city council has taken a preliminary vote, and chosen to turn the land located directly next to Moore Field House into another town cemetery.

“Their loss is our gain,” Hamden Mayor Scott Jackson said. “There has been such positive feedback from the cemetery already in place on the corner of Blake Street and Wintergreen Avenue. The town of Hamden is really excited to spruce up Southern’s landscape even more.”

Papazian said Southern is fortunate, because the town of Hamden is planning to pay the exact amount spent on the partial construction, although an exact number is not available for release at this time. She said there were some hang ups when it came to unapproved overtime, exorbitant lunch breaks at Five Guys Burgers and Fries in Amity and other contract stipulations.

Negotiations with the construction company were also held up due to the need for an interpreter. Every worker for the building company Aprilscherze is a recent German immigrant. None speak a word of English.

Papazian said she and the Board of Trustees feel terrible for the mistake. She suggested taking away preferential parking from the board and other high-ranking university officials to ease the parking difficulties of commuters but received a hearty guffaw in response.

The group did, however, come up with an idea to give back to the university. A raffle will be held once a month with two lucky students getting five Segway rides to or from class—redeemable at any time.

“The board feels that any hard feelings coming from our purchase will go away instantly once the student body gets to try these things out,” Papazian said. “I mean, yes they were expensive and they’re the reason students are going to continue to have to hunt for parking spaces and potentially be late for class. But come on. Have you ever ridden one? They’re so much fun!”

The raffles will begin on April 5, with the first drawing being conducted April 14. The results will be retroactive to April 1, with the next drawing planned for May 1. Raffle entry forms can be picked up at the next Board of Trustees meeting, or any high-ranking university official’s office.

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