Today: Jul 16, 2024

Signs of ‘slight’ intoxication


Given the large amounts of work to be burdened with for the proceeding days to come, it is expected that many of us will party it off when the dreaded finals are complete. So it might be useful to identify when large amounts of alcohol are being consumed as well. We don’t want to end up like deranged train wrecks (this is mostly for the girls).

You know you’ve had “a little too much to drink” when…

  • Your tone of voice changes from a normal volume to an annoying, screechy, almost nagging display of unnecessary verbal projection. You constantly repeat everything you say until someone acknowledges your presence to your satisfaction.
  • Any remotely enjoyable song comes on, and you act like they just announced your winning lottery ticket and shout something along the lines of “Ahhh!”  and link hands with your friend as you jump up and down like an uncontrollable maniac, then scream the lyrics with your head up and arms swaying clumsily to the beat. In that moment, your entire world apparently seems to come together.
  • Everyone suddenly becomes loved as you relate to them in this new, drunken, bonding way and don’t hesitate to exclaim how much you love all of your friends and how you “have to get together more often!”
  • The word “what” has a whole new dimension to it as you obnoxiously raise the pitch of your voice, drag out the sound of the word and scream it directly in someone’s face with your neck exaggeratedly tilted, repeatedly throughout the night (maybe that’s just me).
  • You finally manage to see what you actually look like in the mirror, and you somehow gasp in disgust witnessing the pathetic display of this unfamiliar train wreck you once considered good-looking.
  • You repeatedly demand the designated driver to stop for McDonald’s after aggressively “tapping” his or her shoulder as he or she angrily cruises through an intersection.
  • You’re hunting for your phone, camera, clutch, or anything else carelessly dropped on the beaten, dirty floor.
  • It seems OK to dismissively shove someone in the way of your determined stroll to the bathroom.
  • You’re throwing a camera in some stranger’s face, ultimately suggesting they wait for your four other friends to gather for a sloppy pose, probably in the middle of a walkway.
  • You have to apologize to your coworkers on Monday.
  • You absolutely have to text/call your ex, even though you haven’t talked to him in months.
  • You let a total stranger into your dorm/ suite/apartment because 1. he said he was locked out; 2. he’s drunk too and you feel bad.
  • Busch isn’t so bad after all.

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