Today: Feb 26, 2024

Spoof: Live mascots come to Southern

Dotty Spencer, Bird Lover:
Southern’s mascot, the owl, is supposed to represent wisdom, strength, and agility. But too often I hear that not enough Southern students have school spirit aside from the beefy jocks, squealing girlfriends, and their hoard of Vera Bradley loving friends. Thankfully though in a landslide vote, this week, the administration has decided to put an end to this blasé school-state of mind.

A Eurasian owl, above, swoops down over unsuspecting students in the quad.

In an agreement with the Beardsley Zoo, Southern has agreed to host a family of live Eurasian eagle owls right here on campus. A giant bird with a seven-foot wingspan is exactly what our university needs in order to boost morale. Imagine walking to class in the quad when you hear an ear-piercing screech. Suddenly, this giant avian predator swoops past your head and rips a rummaging squirrel off the ground, carries it into a tree, and devours it right in front of you. If that doesn’t ignite more school spirit I don’t know what will.
Indigenous to Europe and Asia, the Eurasian eagle owl bird is normally a nocturnal bird, but a quick dose of caffeine added to their water will fix that, making them able to be awake during the day
Using recent blockbuster hits—Harry Potter and The Guardians– as inspiration, the administration sees this decision as a win-win no matter how you look at it and I couldn’t agree more.
“We’ve been back and forth about this for a while; wait can you hold on a second I’ve got to flip my jazzercise tape over,” said President Battle. “These owls will give our students something to be proud of when they think of our university, and all the carcasses from small vermin will provide an excellent fertilizer; allowing us to allocate money to other cosmetic campus needs.”
There’s even talk of these majestic animals being able to carry mail around campus which will save money on having to pay university workers. All teachers and secretaries will have to do now is open their window, don a cow hide glove to shield from the owl’s razor sharp talons, and their mail will be delivered quickly with only mini¬mal discomfort. But in order to prevent any possible law suits from faculty and students, the entire population should be required to take OWL 100—a beginner’s class in owl training—and wear mandatory gloves and helmets in the likely chance that one of the owls will randomly perch on one’s head or arm when they step outside. These helmets and gloves could even be decorated to match outfits, and be emblazoned with the Southern emblem.
But as an added precaution, any children visiting campus should be required to wear weighted ankle bracelets. Despite the owl’s keen eyesight, they have been known to swoop up animals as large as small deer and the last thing we need is our beloved birds of prey snatching up toddlers left and right.
Aside from the obvious remedial issues that may come of this, the positives really are endless. This act will not only benefit students on campus but set Southern apart from other universities as being the first campus to house live mascots.
There’s even talk that Albertus Magnus, not to be out-done, has been in talks with the Connecticut Falcon Protection group to get their own host of live mascots. Southern really has spawned an ingenious idea; I don’t know why this hasn’t been thought of sooner. Bravo SCSU, finally a screech of positivity we can all get behind.

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