Today: Feb 25, 2024

Spoof: Editor’s Note: Keep on smokin’

Here at the newsroom we’re all about the first amendment.
As journalists we not only believe in freedom of the press but freedom of expression. Lately, here on campus we’ve noticed more and more students lighting up before class, after class, on the way to class, and we couldn’t be more in support of this perfect display of freewill. This is America people, and in America you have the right to slowly kill yourself
despite the overwhelming scientific studies and research proving that smoking causes cancer and millions of deaths a year. But millions of deaths aside, here are the top reasons we support every smoker on campus to keep puffing away.
— That lighter comes in handy for birthday candles. Or if some hot girl/guy needs a lighter for whatever reason, you’ve got yourself a conversation starter! You really never know when you’re going to need some fire.
— Your ex wanted you to quit and you won’t give him/her the satisfaction. Seriously f*ck them. They hassled you for months or even years to quit smoking and now’s your turn to hit them where it hurts—your health.
— The occasional holes in your clothes give you a needed excuse to shop. Say you’re at a party and you’re completely wasted. You’re beyond those people that only smoke when they’re drunk, but amidst the concentration of trying to walk a straight line, and holding your bff’s hair back as she projectile
vomits out the car window, you dropped your cigarette on your new pants/skirt/tube top. Well now you’re obligated to buy a new one!
— Philip Morris needs that money more than you do. The man may be a multi-millionaire but who doesn’t need more money, especially if you’re profiting off of the pain and suffering of millions of smoking Americans.
— Those extra wrinkles give you that “mature” look. You know you’re sick of being carded whenever you go to the packy or out at the club. Well thankfully smoking speeds up the aging process. You’ll have yellow teeth and sunken in eyes and never again will you have to deal with digging through your wallet to find your ID.
— The smell on your coat makes it easy to pick it out of a pile at a party. While everyone else’s smells like Love Spell or Axe, it’ll be a cinch to dig your smoker’s jacket saving you time and frustration.
— If not for the smoking you’d be perfect, and nobody likes a perfect person. Sure you could be perfect, but wouldn’t you rather be liked?
— If your sense of smell came back you’d have to do something about that litter box. Not being able to smell to your full potential lessens any of the unpleasant smells we encounter in our day-to-day lives. From car exhaust to your roommate’s unfortunate flatulence problem, smoking lessens all of these nasty scents.
— You wouldn’t get any exercise at all if you didn’t run outside the building every hour for a cigarette. Seriously, who has the time to workout anymore? You’ve got classes, work, a possible social life, there’s no way you can take 90 minutes out of your week to go for a jog or do some calisthenics. Plus your adrenaline builds up when you’re fiending for a smoke and that means you’re burning more calories.

The ideas, thoughts and views expressed in the April Fools’ editon of the Southern News do not reflect those of anybody.

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