Spoof: Campus ‘winning’ with Provost Sheen

Stephanie Paulino, Managing Editor:
Just weeks after news spread of Provost and Chief Academic Officer Selase Williams’ planned departure at the end of the year, top university officials have appointed his replacement, actor Charlie Sheen.
“The school contacted my agents saying I would be perfect for its provost gig,” said Sheen. “I don’t even know what a provost does, but I had a bitc*in’ interview. I can turn Northern around. Oh, Southern? You know what I meant.”
Making national news, Interim President Stanley Battle made the decision to appoint Sheen, upon recommendation from a search committee made up of faculty and staff.
After receiving both praise and criticism from the public for the appointment, Battle defended his decision, saying the university needed a “lift” in the midst of the state’s economic troubles.
“We’ve been hit hard by the economy,” said Battle. “Morale is down. We needed someone to encourage our students. We needed someone to turn this campus into a winning one.”
Sheen said he plans to prepare for the position after his “Violent Torpedo of Truth” tour wraps up in May.
After taking an oath of sobriety from the drug “Charlie Sheen”, Sheen said his main goal as “academic head” includes, funding the salaries of new professors.
Through his connections, Sheen managed to hire adult entertainers for the instruction of biology and anatomy; street pharmacists for the chemistry department; paparazzi for photography courses; and attorneys from his many court proceedings for a new law program to be introduced next fall.
“This is just another win for me and the university,” said Sheen. “I’ll take those kids and turn them all into winners.”
Other candidates up for the spot included comedian Bill Cosby, Student Government Association President Benjamin McNamee, and former vice-presidential candidate, Sarah Palin.
Frank LaDore, interim director of academic advisement, was on the search committee that interviewed Sheen.
He said picking Sheen was a “no-brainer” because of the publicity the actor has been getting, which could bring attention to budget cuts affecting the operations at the university.
“Do I think this Sheen guy is going to do a great job?” asked LaDore. “Of course not. But we need someone to pay attention to our problems. Programs are being cut, and people are being laid off. We need some representation. Sheen is the perfect spokesperson.”
LaDore said the decision was tough, but at the end “someone’s gotta’ lose, and we all know it can’t be Sheen.”
“How old is Bill Cosby? Like 100? He should stick to selling Jell-O,” said LaDore. “We’ll give Ben a few years and he’ll be president of the U.S., forget provost.”
Palin was eliminated early on in the interview process because of her insistence on mandatory moose-hunting excursions for faculty and staff, said Battle, who found the activity “extremely offensive.”
“We sent her back to Alaska,” said Battle.
Sheen’s predecessor, Williams, said he wishes the actor the best of luck.
“I’m proud to pass the torch on to Sheen,” said Williams. “He’s got more than 3 million followers on Twitter. I’m still in the double digits. I can’t compete with that.”
Some members of the Southern community were not as excited to accept the ill-reputed actor into the university’s administration.
“Despite not having a degree yet, I was the most qualified candidate—hands down,” said McNamee. “On our agenda next week is finding a way to impeach this fool.”
Since the announcement, students have circulated petitions, and organized rallies in protest, yelling, “Say no to Shady Sheen.”
“We’ll do everything we can to see that this appointment is retracted,” said McNamee. “I will be provost and soon I will rule the world.”
Despite the criticism, Sheen said his eagerness for the job is more than skin-deep.
“I had tiger blood and now I’ve got owl blood—winning!”