Spoof: Busted brothel on Fitch Street

Jessica Giannone, General Assignment Reporter:
A “cathouse” was reported to be operating on campus last Thursday, according to Southern police chief, Joseph Dooley, who said a local pedestrian informed him off the scene. He said several female students were directing members of the rugby team into a house off of Fitch Street, while shouting “inappropriate suggestions.”
Dooley said there has never been an issue at the university like this one “in all the years the school has been standing,” and it is an issue that will be addressed immediately.
“I had no idea this was going on,” said Southern junior Bill Maury, “and I walk by there every day.”
Maury said it doesn’t surprise him based on “the looks” of some of the girls on campus.
The names of the girls will not be released. Out of the six girls involved, four are seniors and two are juniors. The girls were living in the house for the first time this semester. Dooley said it is has not yet been determined how long this has been going on.
“The reputation of the school is a priority,” said Assistant Vice President and Dean of Student Affairs Peter Troiano, “and while the actions of some students may reflect a minority of them, our mission remains intact. The education of students is, and will continue to be, the most important initiative.”
He added that a situation like this will not bring down the stability of the school.
Connor Hart, a member of the rugby team who was involved in the incident, said he “just wanted to see what was going on.”
“I’m not into that kind of thing,” said Hart. “I mean, shoot me because I walked into a house filled with girls. Who wouldn’t go in?”
He added he didn’t think it would turn into a serious issue.
Dooley said the university police are in the process of figuring out how to deal with the matter legally.
“This issue goes beyond the campus level,” said Dooley.
Tricia Lin, the director of Women’s Studies, said they are thinking about starting a program to teach students, primarily girls, about the dangers of sexual engagements, and the importance of self-respect.
“I think in this generation, girls think they have to prove themselves through their looks,” said Lin. “We have to show them that they don’t have to gain the praise of anyone. There is so much more to value out there.”
Lisa Bocceli, a sophomore nursing major, said she thinks it is easy to get caught up in the idea of being accepted by boys, and how sex is a “big thing” in college.
She said she thinks the fact that some girls don’t even lose their virginity until college has a lot to do with their mission to “seek approval,” but it’s not an excuse to “traffic yourself.”
“I think everyone has security issues,” said Bocceli, “but this is a little extreme. Do that on your own time, not at your school. That’s just disgusting.”
Lin said it is shocking to have such a circumstance at a university, and is baffled as to how it had gone unnoticed.
She said if she could change one thing about the campus, it would be to make it more supportive of self-esteem.
Maury said he thinks the girls probably aren’t even at the school to get a degree, and that they just wanted a place to be “sex toys.”
Troiano said there is no room for “that kind of activity” at Southern, and action will be taken to “mend the damage.”
Brocceli said Southern’s new mission should be, “Pursuing Abstinence, Fostering Chastity, and ‘Lysoling’ Communities.”