Today: May 22, 2024

Spoof: Battle on the field: SCSU interim president on the attack

Southern’s Interm President Stanley Battle running through defenders easily while leading Southern to another victory

Jeff Nowak, Sports Freak:

Southern is getting ready for nationals in the spring, and it just revealed its secret weapon: a man named Battle.

You may know him as Stanley F. Battle, SCSU’s interim president. So far in the spring, Battle has set records for total points scored, tackles and opposing
players sent to the emergency room in tears. They’ve only played two games.

“We knew [Battle] wanted to come out for the team for a while now,” said Senior Captain Pat O’Connor. “We’ve been trying to keep it on the hush-hush so we could surprise some people.”

Surprise they did, as Southern won its first spring game by the score of 137-14.

O’Connor said Battle tried out just like everyone else, but it was really never a contest.

“We probably would’ve picked him no matter what, I mean, the guy is a nickname waiting to happen,” said O’Connor. “We were toying around with a few, we considered ‘Battle Biebster’, ‘Maximus Battalicus’ and ‘Stan,’ but in the end we had to go with ‘Battle Bot.’”

O’Connor said having a good nickname is the most important thing when it comes to making the rugby team.

“We can teach you how to play, we can’t teach you to have an awesome name,” said O’Connor.

Now in his first full semester as interim president for the university, Battle said he wanted to go out for the team last semester but he missed tryouts. He said everything is simpler when he sets foot on the rugby field.

“Sometimes I wish my board meetings were more like rugby,” said Battle. “Whenever there is a disagreement, rather than debating it for hours, we could start tackling each other. I’ve suggested it before but none of the other guys are any fun.”

Battle’s early success should come as no surprise when you consider his resumé: an unblemished 7-0 record in the UFC with wins over Cain Velasquez and Georges St. Pierre; an 18-1 professional boxing record with wins over Evander Holyfield, ‘Sugar’ Shane Mosley and one disqualification for what can only be described as Chuck Norris-like brutality; also two no-hitters, four career hat tricks in both hockey and soccer, along with seven Daytona 500 victories.

Battle’s addition to the team has not come without controversy, however.
O’Connor said he has been constantly on the phone with league officials and jealous Fordham University players who are accusing the team of rule breaking.
“They’re saying that there is a rule against anyone who’s ever played professional sports competing at the college club level,” said O’Connor.

“We found a loophole though and I don’t think they’ll be able to close it on us.”
The exemption O’Connor has found and used to parlay Battle into being eligible is actually written into the same rule that Fordham is attempting to use to keep him out of action.
Since Battle refused to receive any pay for his professional exploits, he never lost his amateur athlete status.

“It’s clearly stated in the rule book,” said O’Connor. “Thank you, Google!”
Battle said everyone laughed at him when he turned down the million dollar checks at Daytona and the contract from the Yankees that would’ve made even A-Rod blush.

“Who’s laughing now?” said Battle.“I knew I was going to land this sweet job at Southern and be set for life anyway. Baseball money is overrated, it smells funny too.”

Although his age is stll a mystery, Battle said he is ready for nationals, he just needs to push some meetings around.

“These kids aren’t going to even know what hit them,” said Battle. “I’m going to get my Kemba Walker going.”

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