Real deal relationship advice from a cynic

Relationship Tip #1: If you’re daring enough to be in a relationship, you better follow all of my tips!

Relationship Tip #2: Twitter isn’t Match.com, so why do you insist on hooking up with random tweeps via Twitter?

Relationship Tip #3: When your therapist tells you it’s okay to “take risks,” it doesn’t mean cue the one-night stands and drugs. It means COMMIT, for god’s sake.

Relationship Tip #4: Breaking up via text message is a big no-no. But apparently, breaking up via Twitter so your significant other is publicly humiliated is a big yes-yes.

Relationship Tip #5: If you say the wrong name in bed… just claim you’re role playing. Men are naive like that.

Relationship Tip #6: Don’t “sext” or send naked pictures to your lover… no matter what they say, when you break up, they WILL want to use it against you.

Relationship Tip #6: I’ve heard you have to break up with lesbians more than once… even after, they become your best friend.

Relationship Tip #7: If you don’t want your boyfriend to cheat on you, don’t go to Africa to help save lives.

Relationship Tip #8: When a guy tells you he’s going to call you, it usually means at 2 a.m… after the bar… when he wants something from you.

Relationship Tip #9: Never get married… just don’t.

Relationship Tip #10: Matching tattoos are a big no-no. If you insist on it… at least opt for temporary ones… less pain in the end.

Relationship Tip #11: Saying sorry doesn’t mean squat. You better be pulling out all the stops and buy her love back.

Relationship Tip #12: If her friends don’t like you… you can kiss your chances goodbye. Her posse rules your fate!

Relationship Tip #13: Having affairs with married people is a big no-no. Unless you have a home-wrecking, death wish…

Relationship Tip #14: No one can guarantee how they are going to feel about someone for life– NEWSFLASH: We are not a monogamous species.

And lastly,

Relationship Tip #15: A relationship has to last at least seven days before you can consider it real. There’s an incubation period, like strep throat, or mono.

I hope you enjoyed Relationship Tips from a Cynic. More to come… maybe. 😉