Ali Fernand – Features Editor
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve expected my dynamics with people in my life to change. I’m a person who needs direct communication, clear boundaries, and emotional maturity. I entered my 20’s last August and was immediately afraid of the maturity that number came with. But I quickly realized that this expectation is not reality.
I don’t like to act like someone who thinks of themselves as higher than others. In fact, I usually feel the complete opposite as I have dealt with a lot of insecurity. However, I think that is the issue. I am not the only one my age who is now at a point in life where I am adjusting to maturity but also facing my insecurities. I am a person who is hyper-aware of myself and who I am. This has made me frustrated with people who aren’t as bothered.
Recently, I’ve really struggled with my interactions with other people. I feel that the way I interact with my friends, acquaintances, peers and romantic interests has made me unhappy. The main feelings I’ve gotten from social interactions lately are disregard, confusion and sadness. This isn’t something I’ve felt since high school, which wasn’t that long ago, but is still weird to me. When I graduated, I expected the indirectness of the social dynamics to go away. They just came crawling back.
I’ve entered the same loop of people acting and saying things to me that are unclear, me assuming I’ve done something wrong and then pulling myself back. This is not healthy for me as an adult. I don’t want to feel scared to communicate or even exist going about my daily life. How am I supposed to focus on the big goals that I’ve set for myself if I feel judged by every person in my life. It is extremely taxing.
I’m not going to beg for people to like me. At this point, it’s not worth worrying about doing the thing that makes me the most popular. That is something I want to leave behind in my teenage years. I just want to feel like I can exist without people being so cryptic in their interactions with me. All I ask is that people communicate with me straight up. Someone giving me a dirty look or ignoring what I have to say is not going to make me change. If anything, that will bring out the stone-cold stubbornness in me.
I am the most satisfied with myself than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I have exciting opportunities currently and in my future. My drive for my passions is stronger than ever and I love learning every day. All the stars feel perfectly aligned with my place in life. But this social discomfort I feel has distracted me completely. It’s hard to feel satisfied with myself when I am just deeply uncomfortable and confused by mostly everyone I interact with daily.
We are all adults. Please learn to communicate when you are upset. Learn to think through your anger and decide what really matters in your life. I try so hard every day to be kind to everyone. All I ask is that even if you don’t like me, at least release the tension.
